“DUDE WHITEPANTS”

“Jesse hates the Jazzmaster.”

“I met her at Yale; but we had already matched on Tinder.”

“Dude Underoath tickets went on sale. Wanna go?”

“Dude, this foliage is killer.”

“New Tinder bio; celibate.”

“Have you heard the new Drake?”

“Dude, I promise I’ll be back before soundcheck.”

*dances with arms above his head like a marionette*

I got yam tan.

New Ellie Goulding is so good I want to die

“Hey guys bonfire and powwow at my place”

“Eli is into politics and it’s the greatest thing.”

“New pope is killer.”

“New Andy Mineo is out and I cant.”

“Lollol”

“Dude m83 is playing in central park, wanna go?”

“Obama and the new pope chilling, double antichrist.”

“Do you think I could make it home and get my frisbee before second service?”

“Im going to write about this on my end times apostasy blog.”

*vomits* “I feel so much better now.”

“If I leave now I can catch the end of Paramore’s set.”

*Wears boat shoes*

“Dude the new foster the people, have you heard?”

*Plays tom tom wildly*

“Want to see a magic trick?”

“Ron Paul”

“Silent rave at wesleyan you guuuuuys.”

“I had an oatmeal stout and it fo real changed my life.”

“Real talk?”

“Haha yes! It’s the Jams Malone.”

“Dude wanna go to bar?”

“Dude where are we watching the world cup?”

“Great night great people.”

“Hey man what are you doing tonight? Circa show at the wolf’s den”

*To transvestite.* “Tim. My name’s Tim. What’s your name?”

“Where are we watching Coachella?”

*Wears ball cap.*

“I just feel like I have to stop this wedding.”

“Have you ever had a dream that you, um, you had, your, you, you could, you’ll do, you, you wants, you, you could do so, you , you’ll do, you could, you, you want, you want them, to do you so much, you could do anything?”

“Yeah, like, I feel you.”

*Goes hard in the summertime*

“her eyes are like staring into the sun”

#Popeapalooza

“Instead of saying “welcome to Moe’s” when you walk in employees will blow a shofar”

“Maybe I’ll bring a beach chair and a cooler and sit outside all day”